I don’t know if this should really be a public thing, but it’s been on my mind lately. A lot. And I needed some avenue to let it out. When I feel depressed, I write. So here goes nothin…

I’m so tired of being alone. I’ve been single for almost 2 years now, the longest amount of time I’ve gone without a girlfriend. I feel like such a failure. I’ve got so much love inside me and so much affection to give, but nobody wants it. My last girlfriend, Jennifer, destroyed me when she left. To this day, I miss her and love her. I don’t think I’ll ever not love her. She left me and went back to her ex and married him. He cheated on her, I didn’t. But I guess that’s what she wanted, someone dishonest, who doesn’t deserve her. Before Jenn left me, I hadn’t been single in a long time. I don’t know anymore, how to meet girls, or what to say to them. I’m looking for someone to love, someone to hold, someone to travel with, vacation with, wake up to in the morning. Most single guys just want sex. I don’t really care about that much. It would be nice, as I haven’t had sex in a very long time, but it’s not what I’m really craving. I want a relationship. I’ll be 35 in 5 months. I have a crazy feeling that I’ll still be alone by the time I hit 40, in 5 years. My plan was always to marry by 30, have kids by 35. I’m 34 now, and I’m not at all the guy I thought I’d be by now. I have a job, a car, and an apartment. That’s it. I have enough money to pay my bills, and that’s about it. I don’t have a girl to spend time with, or spend money on. I used to love waking up on Sunday mornings, with Jenn in my bed still asleep. And I’d go make us breakfast, or go get us bagels while she slept. And when she woke up, I had breakfast ready for her. We did everything together, and we never had a fight. We had every detail of our wedding planned. We were set for life, and then she left. I haven’t felt like much of a man since then. She hurt me bad. That’s why I wrestle. I can go out there in front of a crowd, and play a character. I don’t have to be myself, and that’s fine, cuz I don’t like myself. I haven’t been happy since she left. I don’t know how to be. I put on a good facade, like I’m happy. But inside, I’m miserable, and I have been for a long time.The truth is, there’s been a huge emptiness inside since she left. And I don’t know if I need a girl to fill it, or if I think I specifically need HER to fill it. I realize it’s been almost 2 years, but in my heart, it feels like we broke up only yesterday, and it sucks. I don’t believe love exists. Not anymore. You put your all into someone, into a relationship, into building something beautiful, and it leads to nothing but heartbreak and misery. That’s not love. That’s selfishness on one person’s part, while the other suffers in emotional turmoil for who knows how long. Love doesn’t exist. Lust exists, not love. Love is a figment of the imagination. It’s something people want to believe in because it invokes happy thoughts. But believing in love, actual love, is simply lying to one’s self. I thought what Jenn and I had was true love. But that ended. Badly. And she left me to go back to a guy who, when I asked what happened, she had nothing good to say about, and trash-talked. But like I said earlier, I guess that’s what she wants, a scumbag. Well, nice guys finish last. And I’m Joe….a nice guy.

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